Sometimes Timing Actually Is A Bitch

I wanted a relationship so badly when I was single. And I wanted it now. But the longer I’ve been in one I realize this experience with this person couldn’t have happened at just any time.

If I had met him any sooner it’s unlikely we would have made it this far.

“Why couldn’t we have met 10 years ago?”

I used to say this to Marc a lot when we first started dating. We met the day I turned 35 and a half. And yes, the half matters. I say this all the time but it will never not be true: when you are chasing life milestones you think you should have already achieved by a certain age, half years matter. You can’t not focus on the passage of time and how much older you get with each day that goes by. Each day that goes by with you not having the thing (or things) you want so badly.

By the time I met Marc I had been actively searching for a relationship for a couple decades. Even back in high school I constantly had a crush on someone. And even back in high school I couldn’t understand why all my friends found themselves with boyfriends while all my crushes found themselves with girlfriends who weren’t me. Of course, this led to all sorts of self reflection. Which, to me meant wondering how I was screwing it all up. What was I doing to make myself the only one not worthy of a relationship?

That “self reflection” would not win any awards with a certified therapist, but it was really good at following me into adulthood. I constantly wondered what was wrong with me and how I had managed to absolutely piss off the dating gods. Or—worse yet—the universe.